Creating a Safe Space for Men to Explore Sexuality and Sex Toys with Cam Fraser

Because of the work I do around men and sexuality, I am often asked about how to help men (particularly cis men who I’ll largely be talking about today) open up about their feelings and be more vulnerable. The core of my answer to these queries is to create a safe space for them to feel comfortable talking and sharing.

And so, a more specific question becomes, how can I create a safe space for my boyfriend/husband/partner to explore sexuality? I’d like to offer some suggestions.

To begin with, it is important to acknowledge that a lot of men (and people in general) experience anxiety about sexual exploration. Some of the reasons why men may feel this way is because they feel that they’re expected to “perform” sexually.

From always being eager to have sex and having a big penis to getting a rock-hard erection immediately and lasting a long time before ejaculating to even having a powerful and voluminous ejaculation. There are so many ways men and penis owners can feel anxious about how they compare to others and whether their “performance” of sexuality is better or worse. It’s the framing of sex as a competition which can cause so much unease.

So, when it comes to creating a safe space for men to explore sexuality, it is necessary to move away from this performance-oriented perspective. Rather than focussing on how big his penis is, how hard his penis is, or how long he lasts, consider instead what does he feel is pleasurable, what does he desire to do, and what are his boundaries? This is a pleasure-oriented perspective which can inform the way you speak with him about sex and sexuality.

For example, a pleasure-positive initiation of a conversation about sex could sound like, “I really like it when we have sex outside. It is such a turn on to see you cum. What else turns you on?”

As opposed to a pleasure-negative initiation such as, “We need to talk. When you cum quickly it leaves me unsatisfied, and you need to do something about this.” Of course, these are hyperbolic but hopefully you can see how the intention behind these different approaches can make a difference to how it is received by your partner.

Additionally, leading by example can be really helpful. In the example above, sharing that you enjoy outdoor sex and it is arousing seeing your partner orgasm is a demonstration of vulnerability and openness which can help your partner feel more comfortable opening up and following suit.

Leading by example like this is inviting your partner to join you in the conversation. It’s like jumping in the lake and reaching a hand out to your partner to say, “Come on in, the water is fine!”

I’m also asked quite a lot about introducing sex toys to a couple’s sex life. While the principles I’ve been sharing still apply, there are some specific suggestions for the introduction of toys.

If you’ve not used toys together before, talk about them first, don’t just spring a new toy on your partner. I also recommend deciding on a sex toy together. You can browse the Lovehoney website together and choosing something you both might like.

Lastly, it's a good idea for your first toy to be something small, non-threatening, and unintimidating. Something like the We-Vibe Couples Vibrator is a great choice because it is designed to be used specifically as a couple so it can be something you share together.