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Sex Ed with Chantelle Otten: How to Level Up Your Sex Game
on Nov 3, 2020
So you're a lovemaking beginner. You've dabbled a little bit and know the ins and outs of it but you're ready to take your game to the next level. Luckily for you, Lovehoney's resident sexologist, Chantelle Otten, is bursting with tips to help you sharpen your skills and deepen your knowledge. Read on as Chantelle answers your burning questions about how to become an expert lover.
What is the female orgasm and how can we achieve it for ourselves/our partners?
Orgasms are different for everyone. For some women, an orgasm can feel like fireworks and a huge rush of electricity and for others it can feel like a gentle release.
There are 12 types of orgasm for people with a vulva, but clitoral orgasms are the most common. The clitoris has a huge amount of nerve endings designed purely for pleasure and the best way to achieve orgasm by clitoral stimulation is by practicing some self-love. By getting to know your body, you'll figure out exactly what you like and dislike and can then put this into practice with a partner.
Sex toys are also an amazing way to level up your orgasm - particularly clitoral vibrators, which can also be used with a partner during sex. There are also some awesome orgasm balms and gels that can help you get over the edge.
One important thing to keep in mind is that many vulva owners find it difficult to achieve orgasm through penetration alone. Not sure you've ever had an orgasm? That's also completely normal. Around 12% of women cannot orgasm. If you would like to learn how, you can always work with a sexologist to discover ways to achieve orgasm!
As a society, we have learned to be so goal-orientated when it comes to sexuality. We aim for the destination of orgasm, and can forget to enjoy the journey and how our senses are engaged during self-pleasure. So, I suggest taking the focus off orgasm. Instead, focus on sensation, pleasure and engaging your senses.
How important is foreplay for sex?
To be honest, I believe it's time to retire the word "foreplay". At the end of the day, it's all sex! Oral sex, anal sex, hand play, these are all sexual acts. They even have the word "sex" in some of their names! This is why studies about the amount of time that people spend having sex are so confusing.
When I talk about sex, I'm not talking about penis in vagina, because that is not inclusive of people who don't have penis in vagina sex. Intercourse can seem like the goal of intimacy. But what are we actually talking about here? For a lot of heterosexual people, sex means penis in vagina, however there is so much more to being erotic with somebody.
Being sexual with someone should mean we are focusing on pleasure. This is all about how we can give and receive pleasure. Instead of thinking of foreplay, just consider everything that falls under the sexual umbrella - the kissing, the touching, the mouth and hand play - to be sex.
I think it's important to remember that non-penetrative play is incredibly important for arousal and intimacy. It allows you to ignite your senses and become sensitive to touch, smell and sound. It also helps you tap into your body, your imagination, and the eroticism around what is about to happen.
To reap all these benefits, I would suggest adding more non-penetrative play and exploring different erogenous zones - those super-sensitive sweet spots that beg to be stroked, teased and touched. You can do this by trying a new toy, practicing your dirty talk or engaging in some role play.
How do you think dating apps such as Tinder and hook-up culture are affecting relationships?
Online dating apps have opened new avenues for dating and relationships, giving people more opportunity and innovating how people think and converse around dating topics and sex.
Virtual dating can give people the confidence to open up, be vulnerable and express themselves more easily to find a relationship or a casual hook up. I think that, as long as you are open and honest about what it is you're looking for, it's perfectly fine to use dating apps for something more casual.
There are many types of apps available, depending on what you're looking for - some people might be looking for ways to spice up their relationship using apps - it's a great way of connecting different people who enjoy similar sexual experiences in the modern world. Just remember, you don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with.
How can we spice up our sexual relations?
Where do I begin!? From introducing toys (remote control toys can be fantastic) and trying new positions, to role play, erotic language, edging and experimenting with BDSM - the options truly are endless.
Some of my top tips for increasing excitement include experimenting with new erogenous zones and teasing our lover before we touch them. Maybe put on a sensual song (or my playlist), and make a fun and seductive game of taking each other's clothes off.
There are also some great lubes that enhance sensation, such as warming lubes and tingling lubes. You can also try orgasm gels to further heighten pleasure and arousal.
I also encourage you to get familiar with your body and what you like. Then, you can invite your partner to watch you pleasure yourself - it's super hot and helps teach your partner what gets you off!
Whatever you do, my advice would be to take it slow. Don't take yourself too seriously and have fun - that's what sex is all about!
Chantelle Otten is an award-winning sex therapist and relationship specialist in Melbourne, Australia. You can follow her on Instagram, and find out more at chantelleotten.com.
