No Cap Sex Chat with Chantelle Otten: January Edition

by Chantelle Otten

on Jan 14, 2022

Matters of the heart and the bedroom aren’t always the easiest to navigate on your own. Sometimes we need a little advice to help us out and of course, your mates, your family or even your partner are great to turn to but let’s be real, who better than an award-winning sexologist? Chantelle Otten is here to give you all the answers your sex and relationship questions.

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1. "Are there certain exercises which will make me better at sex?"

Oh hi there! That's a hard one for me to answer because I don't know a lot about you, your gender identity or your orientation. However, even if I did, I still could not answer this question because I also don't know how you like to play in the bedroom.

The truth is, you’ve just got to try and play around (consensually), and talk through your erotic activities with your sexual partner. It’s about communication and feedback.

Where do they like to be touched? How does it feel? Do they have any kinks? Is anything out of bounds? What about what brings you pleasure? Have you explored whether you can enhance those feelings with toys or lube?

I suggest taking some time to experiment with your play and be open-minded and curious. These are the things which will help make you a better lover.

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2. "I feel as though female sex toys are normal, but I'm nervous about what people will think if they found out I (a male) have one?"

Penis owners have many toys they can play with and they deserve them too!

I think the reason why you might be feeling nervous is because not many penis owners actually talk about the toys they have. But it shouldn’t be shameful or secretive. They are just there to be an extension of your sexual self and to add different sensations and play into the mix.

It’s completely normal for penis owners to own sex toys. I just think in general, there is unfortunately still a social stigma around stating you use them. I decided to have a look around online and see how many people discussed penis toys—I was able to find a lot of articles around vulva owners and their pleasure products—however, I didn’t find a huge amount of articles which spoke about sex toys for penis owners. There is a wide amount of acceptance for masturbation, but not much indication toys are being used for this.

It’s no secret all genders enjoy masturbation, so why not spice it up a bit with a penis toy? Masturbation sleeves, prostate massagers, cock rings, pumps… you name it! There is something out there for everyone.

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3. "What can I do before sex to make me feel more relaxed and turned on?"

What a great question. A lot of people find it hard to feel present during sex, or know how to relax before they get sensual and that’s okay! It doesn’t mean that you’re bad at sex or there’s something wrong with you, it just means you need to take some time to prepare for the experience.

I suggest putting aside some time to play with yourself or with someone else (if you know it’s coming up), taking the hour beforehand to really consciously focus on being present.

Plan where you are going to do it; are you comfortable in bed? Can you lock the door? Turn your phone off? It’s helpful to choose a time and place to control the variables you need to create a relaxing and erotic atmosphere.

To start to relax, there are a few things you can do. Taking a hot bath or shower, where you can mindfully wash yourself, feel the hot water drip over you and relax those muscles. Add some magnesium salts to your bath for an extra bit of stress relief.

You can also practise mindfulness, where you can take a moment to tune in and focus on your body and the way it’s feeling. How do your clothes feel on your skin? Can you hear the sound of your breath? Can you slow down your breathing pace? Mindfulness can help your body become more aware of the sensations it wants to experience, rather than rushing through life and sexuality.

Remember, it’s okay to tell your sexual partner what you want to do in the bedroom. Making requests and talking about what you’re feeling and what you want to focus on also helps your partner to know what you’re interested in and what’s going to bring you pleasure and turn you on.

Ask for what you want them to do, such as: “please touch my butt”, or “please hold the vibrator on my clitoris”. If you’re not comfortable with making these requests, start by practising them when you’re alone. Stand in front of a mirror and say the words out loud or write them down on a slip of paper. Anything which helps with the practice!

Chantelle Otten

Written by Chantelle Otten. Lovehoney Australia's Resident Sexologist
Helping to ensure empowerment, sexual wellbeing and pleasure are at the center of all your sexual experiences

Originally published on Jan 14, 2022. Updated on Jan 14, 2022