Ep.22 Sexual Happiness Podcast: Are Sexual Fantasies Normal? (with Lana)

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Transcription: Lovehoney Podcast Episode 22

Sammy [00:00:05] Hello! You're listening to the sexual happiness podcast from Lovehoney. The podcast where we answer your questions about sex and sex toys. I'm Sammy.

Nick [00:00:14] I'm Nick.

Sammy [00:00:14] And this week we are joined by Lana to talk all about sexual fantasy. Hello Lana.

Lana [00:00:20] Hello.

Sammy [00:00:20] Thank you very much for coming on the show today. Now you are here because you won a forum competition - aren't you?

Lana [00:00:27] I did. Yes.

Sammy [00:00:28] So that competition involved sending us a funny story didn't it, about something that's happened in your sex or dating past.

Lana [00:00:35] Yes. So I entered the competition with a story about Tinder.

Sammy [00:00:41] Excellent.

Lana [00:00:42] It always goes so well! So here I am. Yes it's really nice to be with you guys.

Sammy [00:00:48] Thank you for coming all the way from Yorkshire to be with us today as well - that is quite a mission. And you've had a tour of the Lovehoney warehouse as well haven't you?

Lana [00:00:54] I have, it's amazing!

Sammy [00:00:55] So many dildos. So today we are gonna be talking about sexual fantasies as we've said, whether... are sexual fantasies normal? If they are normal, you know, how can you explore them. But before we get into that we have to do our "You can never know enough about sex" section. So this is where we share a fact that we learned about sex during the week. Nick what did you learn this week?

Nick [00:01:16] Well we run a poll on Instagram about where people like to keep their sex toys and the results were quite interesting. So Lana, where do you reckon most people like to store their sex toys? The majority.

Lana [00:01:29] I think I'd go with bedside drawer?

Nick [00:01:32] And you are correct. Second most popular...

Lana [00:01:37] Under the bed?

Nick [00:01:39] Yes! You've read this already haven't you?! So yes. So bedside table, drawers, under my bed... were the most popular. Then we get slightly more esoteric shall we say. In my ottoman, 2.2 per cent of people said that.

Sammy [00:01:55] In my ottoman!

Nick [00:01:58] In my tool box.

Sammy [00:01:59] Woah. What just next to the Black and Decker!?

Nick [00:02:07] We also had in an assassin's briefcase.

Sammy [00:02:10] In an assassin's briefcase.

Nick [00:02:12] I presume that's a style of briefcase rather than - it's my mate, he's an assasin, I've stored my dildo in...

Lana [00:02:18] That niche.

Sammy [00:02:19] That is very niche. I just thought of Assassin's Creed as well.

Nick [00:02:23] In my bag called Mr. Sexy. Right. And another one was in a Card Factory gift box.

Sammy [00:02:32] Okay. I mean I can see the kind of the logic in storing them somewhere that doesn't say a 'sex toy' on the outside...

Lana [00:02:39] Unless someone then wants to use the gift box.

Sammy [00:02:44] Ah, go get the hammer Dave!

Nick [00:02:46] In terms of why they kept them where they kept them - easy access was the most popular reason for obvious reasons... out the way of the kids or housemates, family... So what about you Sam, what have you found at this week?

Sammy [00:03:00] So I found out that... So I did a little digging into people in their porn habits this week and I found out that men who watch porn or adult entertainment, where there are two men and one woman, produce more sperm than people who don't.

Nick [00:03:17] How on earth can they tell that?

Sammy [00:03:19] I don't know. I did not look into the science side of it. Thanks science side of Tumblr. But apparently it's... The theory is that it's something to do with an evolutionary competition thing. So it's...

Nick [00:03:32] (Sound of beating chest). Well I'm the silverback.

Sammy [00:03:35] If there are other males in the vicinity then yeah, try and overcompensate I guess but yeah apparently that's a fact. So trying to conceive, threesome porn. Please don't take that as medical advice! So that brings us onto the main topic of the week which is "are sexual fantasies normal?"

Nick [00:03:58] Do we have any info on what are the top sexual fantasies then?

Sammy [00:04:02] Yeah. When we did this sexual happiness study a few months ago. We asked people in that study about what their sexual fantasies were, and I think the top fantasy for most people was trying a new sex position, and that was something that they thought about a lot. And I think I feel like there must have been more to it than that. Because, you know, that could be maybe sex in a different location which would require a different position maybe like. I think there was probably more behind it than just "I'd really like to try doggy". But also sex in different locations did come up. Sex with celebrities was another one. I mean I think for most of us that's going to be something that will be forever consigned to the realms of fantasy rather than reality.

Nick [00:04:48] For you maybe. Yeah. No I'm sorry.

Sammy [00:04:53] Sorry, we'll get Dua Lipa in next week for you Nick. And I think there was something else as well...

Nick [00:04:57] Threesomes?

Sammy [00:04:58] Threesomes. Yes. Unsurprisingly perhaps, more men fantasized about multiple sex partners at once than women did. They were also more likely to fantasize about sex with a friend or a co-worker. So do we think a sexual fantasy is a normal thing to have?

Lana [00:05:14] I'd say so, yes for most people.

Nick [00:05:17] Absolutely, yeah.

Sammy [00:05:19] Good.

Lana [00:05:23] All in agreement.

Sammy [00:05:23] Well exactly. And I think that's the thing... Involving your imagination and sex is really... We have an episode about erotica coming up don't we Nick, and sex and the imagination kind of go hand-in-hand. So I think having the room to or feeling like you have the room to explore sexual fantasies in your mind is a really healthy thing. And also really beneficial to your sex life as well because then you don't get bored.

Nick [00:05:42] What's the difference between a fantasy and a fetish?

Sammy [00:05:46] Lana, any thoughts on this one?

Lana [00:05:47] Maybe a fetish is something that you have to do in a sexual relationship with someone to intrinsically have a good time, rather than something... I'm just having a peruse about.

Sammy [00:06:01] Yeah I think a fetish is often, as well, is kind of attached to like an object as well, rather than, like a fantasy might be about a person or a setting or something. I think a fetish is more like, it is specific arousal from an object or a collection of objects. It's like, wet-look fetish for example, people like wet-look. Underwear. Or feet.

Nick [00:06:22] Yeah. And we... The other week on the podcast we had... I discovered that cake sitting was a fetish.

Lana [00:06:28] I did hear that podcast. And there was another one about pebbles?

Sammy [00:06:32] Yes. Lithophilia - a sexual attraction to rocks and stones.

Lana [00:06:37] Well I am a rock climber.

Sammy [00:06:40] But are you a lithopile?

Lana [00:06:47] I kind of see the appeal.

Sammy [00:06:48] A fantasy can involve a fetish.

Nick [00:06:49] Do we think that perhaps people are more likely to act on their fetishes rather than act upon their fantasies?

Lana [00:06:55] I think fantasies are a little bit more beyond the horizon in most cases. Other than like, sex outside or sex in a different place. Pretty easy. But if you're wanting a threesome - got to really decide whether you're with the right person to do that...

Sammy [00:07:12] Whether you're in the right relationship for that to not be a problem.

Lana [00:07:16] Yeah. Can it break that relationship down?

Lana [00:07:19] Whereas a fetish is pretty easy to bring into any sexual partner you're with. I think as long as you have that conversation with them.

Sammy [00:07:26] I think it, yeah, very much depends on the fetish doesn't it. I guess because there's so many out there, I mean, I guess if you wanted to start bringing rocks into the bedroom that might be a trickier conversation than saying "could you wear some fishnet stockings please?

Lana [00:07:39] You could work around it with hot stones.

Sammy [00:07:42] Oh yeah. Hot stone massage. Yes. I think also for people, maybe a fetish starts as a fantasy.

Nick [00:07:49] Yeah that's a good point yeah.

Sammy [00:07:51] You know, you see something and think like, "Oh quite quite like that." That's caused a stir. And then you go on and kind of look at how you might be able to build that into your sex life and then it becomes a fetish I would say maybe.

Lana [00:08:03] Yeah. Definitely.

Nick [00:08:04] Yeah, like an evolution, sexual evolution.

Sammy [00:08:07] So do you think you should, if you have a fantasy, whether it is "I'd like to have sex in the garden or I want to have sex with Chris Pratt, Chris Hemsworth and Chris Evans all at once, on top of Mount Kilimanjaro. Do you think you should share those things with people?

Nick [00:08:22] You just have.

Sammy [00:08:24] I can honestly say, none of those are my fantasies.

Lana [00:08:26] I think it depends on the audience. I'm not going home and telling my mum my fantasy. I might discuss it after a few gins with some friends.

Sammy [00:08:36] Okay. Yeah.

Lana [00:08:37] And definitely your partner. It's a fun conversation to have isn't it? It's good fun to find those things out.

Sammy [00:08:45] Yeah it is fun. And it's definitely one of those things that I think people like to find, when you're getting to know people in the early stages of relationship it can be quite exciting to find that kind of stuff out can't it?

Nick [00:08:55] Yeah. Again, depends what the fantasy is.

Sammy [00:08:57] Yes.

Nick [00:08:58] My fantasy is having sex with your best mate...

Sammy [00:09:02] Maybe keep that one to yourself!

Lana [00:09:07] My fantasy is divorce.

Sammy [00:09:07] Yeah. Like you say, it does very much depend on the fantasy, and I think it depends on the kind of... If you want to talk about it. I think you need to know your partner well enough to know the way to be able to bring that up. So if there's someone that doesn't like to be surprised, for example, if you go out and maybe you've had a fantasy about like a nurse or something and you want your partner to dress up like a nurse, and then you go out and buy her a nurse's outfit without telling her. And then surprise her with it. She might just be like, whoa there. No no no no no. But if she wants, or they are someone that likes to be prepared for that kind of thing, then have that conversation beforehand I think.

Nick [00:09:39] Absolutely. As we say at least once an episode, communication is key on that one.

Sammy [00:09:44] And also I guess, knowing what it is about that fantasy that you like and whether that's something that you can then take in to your actual sex life. So you know, again, an example of let's say Chris Evans... You probably can't bring Chris Evans into your bedroom unless you make someone wear a mask or something. But if it's... The part of that fancy is that you're outside on a mountain and you're like, "oh maybe the sex outside thing is something that I could build into it", and it's kind of knowing what part of that, is the part that turns you on and what is actually realistic to recreate.

Nick [00:10:16] Yeah. And if you're not comfortable with, you know, having a chat with your mates, even if it is over a gin, or you know talking to your partner, then one avenue to possibly explore is writing it down... You know either whether that's for yourself or you could share it on the Internet - there's lots of different erotic writing forums and places. I think that's something we're going to touch on in the upcoming podcast isn't it Sam?

Sammy [00:10:39] Yes. There's an episode coming up all about erotica - how to write it and how to find it, with the lovely me and more, so keep an eye out for that as well. So when it comes to sharing fantasies, what do you think are the reasons that people might be reluctant to tell people about them?

Lana [00:10:53] I feel like it's a little bit weird or unattainable... they don't want their partner to feel like they can't fulfill that for them.

Sammy [00:11:02] Well that's a good point. Yeah. So it might be that they, in some way, feels like it might threaten their partner or make them feel inadequate, or that they might be judged for it as well.

Nick [00:11:14] Plain embarrassment. You want to do what?!

Sammy [00:11:19] And especially if it's something that you don't see reflected often back, through, either through other people or through the media. Like if it's something that you don't... That people aren't very familiar with, I think there's more chance that people are going to be embarrassed about it or be reluctant to tell you about it. Yeah, I mean you know, every sex scene ever in every movie has missionary sex so you're not gonna be necessarily as intimidated to talk about "I'd like to try missionary" even if a lot of people have, but yeah if you wanted to talk, I don't know, "please put on this entire latex gimp suit and let me walk you around on a lead". That's not something that's in The Notebook.

Lana [00:11:54] It's much less mainstream.

Sammy [00:11:57] That's the word - mainstream. So yes - people might feel embarrassed. People might feel like it could have a negative effect on their relationship with their partner. Do you... What do you think is the best way then to be able to talk to your partner about your fantasy? How can you reassure them and how can you help yourself feel more comfortable with that fantasy as well?

Nick [00:12:17] I guess starting off at the shallow end is probably the best. So if we take your nurse thing - if actually your fantasy is an enormous medical fantasy where you want to be operated on, on a table or... you know whatever it might be. Maybe just start with a uniform or even a pair of stockings and a hat. I think getting your partner involved so it's not completely selfish... when I say involved I mean saying "I think you'd at look absolutely cracking in a nurse's outfit." That kind of thing, rather than "I want to fuck a nurse."

Sammy [00:12:49] Yeah. Quite making it about them rather than about, yeah or about as a couple or a throuple, or whatever.

[00:12:56] Yeah. And then you know if you're partners on board with that - using this scenario - if they're on board with that. You know, you can take your role play to the next level then. And some fantasies are just that simple aren't they. It's as simple as gloves - if your thing is gloves and you know, we sell leather gloves... You know that kind of slightly kinky look, then you're probably not going to get a bad reaction about asking your partner to wear that. No. I think another consideration is whether it's... Your fantasy is around a particular look or whether it's around a particular act. Yeah. So you know that dressing up roleplay side of things potentially a bit more shallow end, shall we say... but when you start getting into slightly more extreme if you want, if you like, acts then I think you need to take a bit more care there. So if for example on my front "I really want to be pegged".

Sammy [00:13:50] Yeah.

Nick [00:13:51] That's, probably for a lot of people a 'woah, okay!'.

Sammy [00:13:54] Something that not many people are familiar with. Are you familiar with the term Lana?

Lana [00:13:58] Yes.

Sammy [00:13:59] Good. For any of our listeners who may not, pegging is the act of someone wearing a strap on to anally penetrate a man. And it's always that specific dynamic rather than just strap ons in general.

Nick [00:14:11] Yet. So... know your audience. And again, if that's something you're interested in or anal play then just start off a little bit smaller - maybe with a little finger, rather than a whopping great dildo.

Sammy [00:14:25] A pinky!

Nick [00:14:25] Yeah. Again down to communication. And possibly a little bit emotional intelligence of knowing where your partner's at. And what kind of boundaries you've already explored.

Sammy [00:14:36] Yeah. Anything like that where it might be something a bit more in depth than just. Yeah I'd like you to wear a uniform or something. Definitely do your research around it first as well. Find out as much as you can about that kind of fetish because or that fantasy I should say. Because if you've had that fantasy, chances are someone else has also had that fantasy or some sort of similar variation on it. And you know the Internet is a wild and wonderful place, and you can always find out more information and more tips on how to try it. Or more suggestions for how to bring into the bedroom. So yeah just have a little look around maybe before you start talking about bringing into the bedroom with a partner. So what if you have a certain fantasy and you talk to your partner about it and then your partner goes "No, I don't want to do that. I have no interest in that. I don't want to try that"?

Nick [00:15:21] Don't do it.

Sammy [00:15:22] Don't do it. So is that essentially then game over for that fantasy becoming a reality?

Nick [00:15:32] Communicate. I mean. Say, well why don't you want to do it? Just find out why and if it's "I am absolutely borderline against it" then yeah that is game over.

Lana [00:15:40] I guess you need to find out whether there's some middle ground somewhere. Because if you're kind of jumping straight in, just throwing it on them, they might just be like "Oh no, that's not something I'm up for right now. And then maybe just experiment a little bit without going whole hog.

Sammy [00:15:57] Yeah. Whole hog tie. Yeah. I think especially - there are certain things that people say, that they have a fantasy and they want to try it, like you say. And then that fantasy, that angle, becomes the entire focus and they don't think about everything else they can do along that way, but yeah. Finding a middle ground and talking to your partner about compromise on that is definitely a really good way to go.

Nick [00:16:18] I guess the other way of approaching it would be... Rather than making it again... Rather than making it about you - talking to your partner about what really turns them on. What are their fantasies if you can...Yeah. Depending on what kind of personality they are, if you tease out of them, or they might go "it's a threesome with all the Chris's on Kilimanjaro! So you know indulge your partner first and foremost, and then there's more scope for reciprocation there.

Sammy [00:16:43] Yeah. Kind of tit for tat approach. Like , you really like this. I really like this. It's my birthday! Yeah. That kind of thing. And also don't forget sex toys can help as well. So say for example you want to... your fantasy is anal play of any kind, whatever gender you are, and you want to try that but you're not necessarily sure how to bring that up with a partner, or you know, you're not sure how it will feel. You can try anal toys on your own or with a partner to begin with so that you can kind of warm yourself up and warm your partner up to the idea of that. If it's like a threesome then you can find realistic sex toys as well which minimize the potential risks of actually bringing in another human being into the bedroom.

Nick [00:17:25] Yeah. On the deep end of the scale we sell some pretty realistic sex dolls. Yeah. And when you read the reviews on the site about them, a lot of them are around "Oh my partner wanted to... We wanted to be part of a threesome but actually didn't want someone with a pulse and a brain. So this was a really good compromise. And yeah people seem to love those things. And then the shallow end of the scale - just a simple toy. A smaller toy can help stimulate those areas that you want stimulating at the same time as your partner's stimulating you.

Sammy [00:18:00] Basically get a fake vagina or a fake cock and you're away.

Nick [00:18:03] That's why I was saying... Yes - far too polite.

Sammy [00:18:07] But.. So if there's a way that you can look at trying it out with sex toys first then I think that's a good thing and then if you try out with a sex toy and you're like "actually I didn't really didn't really enjoy that." Then you know that taking it further is maybe not for you, or if you do try it with sex toy and you go "That was great". Then maybe you can look at actually making up a reality in the way that you've imagined it.

Nick [00:18:27] So if you're single or you're carefree, shall we say. Are there... I'm very old now, but are there for you younger types and indeed older types who are unattached, dating apps or hookup apps for people with particular fantasies or kinks or fetishes on the web? Slightly off topic there but...

Sammy [00:18:45] That's a great question. I'm sure there are very specific apps out there now - I mean you've got the broader apps like Tinder, Hinge, Bumble - all those kind of ones for more like dating and sex, but there's places like, if you have got a fetish or a fantasy that you want talk about, FetLife it's a great place. So people can go there and they talk more about specific fetishes and lifestyles. The Lovehoney forum is where lots of our customers get together and talk about sex and fantasies and...

Nick [00:19:11] Like you Lana!

Lana [00:19:15] Yeah.

Sammy [00:19:18] You'd be surprised at how often as well you see the same fantasies cropping up. There's always people going in there wanting to discuss the same things, not realizing that there are 80 other threads about the same conversation. So yeah, definitely, I think forums are a great place because you can just talk to other open minded people - maybe not necessarily with a view of making it reality, although there are places I think that offer that. But yeah just finding more like minded people and making your community.

Lana [00:19:45] People are quite specific...

Sammy [00:19:47] Are they?

Lana [00:19:47] If they're looking for someone. Yeah I know.

Sammy [00:19:49] And the person on Tinder!

Lana [00:19:50] It's the reason I'm here. Yeah but you're swiping through and you do come across some very specific... "I would like to do this. I'm looking for a person to do this with."

Sammy [00:20:01] I suppose it's a nice, easy way of doing it isn't it? If you just put it all out there.

Lana [00:20:07] Yeah. You don't need to know the person - maybe that's easier sometimes? To not know the person and then you can try it out with someone you care about.

Sammy [00:20:14] Yeah. That's it. I don't care about you Tinder types! Yeah though, definitely I think I guess when it's, when you haven't necessarily... Like say if you've been in a relationship with someone for 10 years or whatever, and then you're like "oh I want to try this thing but we've never tried it before and I have no idea how to bring it up now. Maybe it is easier with someone that you don't know and doesn't have that kind of degree of expectation to be like "I want to get pegged!".

Nick [00:20:37] Okay!

Sammy [00:20:38] You will find someone on Tinder that's like "ah yeah, I've got a window."

Nick [00:20:43] Half past eight do you?

Sammy [00:20:44] Apps, forums. There'll be other people who have the same fancy... go and chat to them. Also a big fantasy for people, when we were talking about the kind of toys that they want to try first - when we did the sexual happiness study - lots of them said that they wanted to try restraints and blindfolds which is obviously part of the bondage kink and the BDSM lifestyle. So if people are interested in trying that, which is quite common I think for people introducing sex toys. How can they do that?

Nick [00:21:13] By kit off our website. Sorry!

Lana [00:21:17] Wrap it up for their birthday. Throw it in there!

Sammy [00:21:20] Give it as a gift but like "isn't this a funny joke but also do you want to try it?"

Lana [00:21:28] Surprise!

Nick [00:21:28] Seriously though if your fantasy is "I really want to be tied up and spanked" or whatever, or be submissive or be Dominant - again always with the communication. And probably, if you've been with your partner for a little bit of time you probably know whether they're gonna be open to that kind of idea or not. And again, I keep using the ridiculous swimming pool analogy that if it's something neither of you have done before or one of you hasn't done before, start at the shallow end. So that's just simple silky ties and a silky blindfold or handcuffs or something. Yeah. Start with those kind of lower-end-of-the-scale type of products, rather than just diving in with the full gimp mask and chains.

Sammy [00:22:05] Gimp mask and chains - great album title. Yeah definitely keep it beginner friendly.

Nick [00:22:10] If you're beginners then keep it beginner friendly and then see where it takes you. Yeah and like I said, there's loads of stuff on our website for beginners and for advanced people as well who've been doing it for ages.

Sammy [00:22:22] So that brings us on to our "Question of the week" this week. Lana, what do our lovely listeners want to know?

Lana [00:22:28] The question of the week this week is "I am looking at experimenting with anal on my own and was wondering if anyone can recommend a realistic vibrator for a beginner to use solo?".

Sammy [00:22:40] Okay so it comes back to that anal fantasy that we were talking about earlier. A lot of people want to start to try it and don't necessarily know how to begin the fantasy. So anything involving anal... I know that they've said realistic vibrator here but you'd probably be better off with a static toy to begin with, just because it's slightly easier to get used to - the sensations are not necessarily quite as intense. But any kind of anal play you need to be using something that has a flared base because if you don't use something with a flared base, the anus has a tendency to suck things up and you can lose them in the body - so something that anchors the toy outside your body is...

Lana [00:23:12] You don't want a trip to A&E!

Sammy [00:23:15] You do not want a trip to A&E.

Nick [00:23:15] Yeah we saw loads of dildos designed specifically for starting out with anal play. They tend to be slimmer slimmer dildos so you don't want to start putting anything that's ginormous up there straight away. Yeah, just check it out on the website. Anal beads are another good one as well because they... Specifically ones that are graduated, so they start off dead small (the little beads) - all connected but...

Sammy [00:23:37] Not anal marbles!

Nick [00:23:44] Yes. So the beads start small so you can work your way up to whatever feels good for you. And the most important thing, Sam is...

Sammy [00:23:55] Lube. Lube.

Nick [00:23:55] Specifically anal lube - it's thicker. Lasts longer. Just lots of lube.

Sammy [00:24:01] Lots of lube. To keep things comfortable and yeah anal lubes, like you say, last longer. Water-based lubes - water-based anal lubes are kind of your best bet because you can use them with any sex toys as well, and you can use them with barrier contraception. So if it came to the point where you were thinking of introducing an actual partner into that play then you can use them with condoms. And the other thing is if you're trying something solo, you might want something that you can use hands free and butt plugs are good because they... Once they're inside you can leave them, you don't have to hold them in place, as long as they've got the anchor. So your hands free to do other things... Touch your body in other ways. Also, dildos with a suction cup are good as well because you can just plop them on the side. Not sure if plop is the right word! You can stick them on any surface and then you can explore how deep or how fast you want to play with that toy without necessarily having to use your hands. And because sometimes, the anus isn't that easy to and so it's easier to have that hands free option as well.

Nick [00:25:01] Yes.

Sammy [00:25:01] So that brings us to the end of this week's show but to say thank you for listening, we're giving you 15 percent off absolutely anything that you want to buy at Lovehoney. Just follow the links in the episode description and you'll be taken to the website nearest you in the world.

Nick [00:25:13] If you've enjoyed this week's episode don't forget to give us a rating you think we deserve. Maybe tell your friends and drop us a review. We'd love to know what you think.

Sammy [00:25:20] You can also follow Lovehoney on Twitter, Instagram or Facebook. Follow us on YouTube where we're LovehoneyTV, or if you have any questions you can get in touch with us by emailing podcast@lovehoney.com. And so thank you to Lana for coming on and helping us talk all things fantasy - we hope you've had a good time on the Lovehoney podcast?

Lana [00:25:38] It's been great!

Nick [00:25:38] Thank you.

Sammy [00:25:40] And now you can go back and tell your friends about you know, anal toys and what life is like at Lovehoney. So thank you for listening. Don't forget to come back next Wednesday when we will have a brand new episode for you. Bye!